I like to take my fat thighs with me wherever I go. I dress them up in clothes, take them for bike rides, and generally try to make life pleasant for them.

 

It happens whenever Beyonce performs or Rihanna steps outside. Its happened when Betty Davis wore hotpants and Left Eye wore condoms as eye patches. Whenever black women own their sense of sexuality and it appears to not be controlled by the hetero-male gaze, the whole world gets into a tizzy.

Exes

The pothead with a heart of gold.

Level of ridiculousness: 4

Not sure I ever saw his eyes all the way open.

Exes

The chin

Level of ridiculousness: 5

Completely nondescript dude except a big chin.

Exes

The hot bad boy.

Level of ridiculousness: 3

Highly recommend fling with bad boy, do not recommend relationship.

Exes

The walking boner

Level of ridiculousness: 3

Best friend’s brother.

Exes

Currently gay

Level of ridiculousness: 7

Probably at least bi when we were dating, right?

Exes

The hardcore band bassist who wasn’t actually my boyfriend.

Level of ridiculousness: 1

Actual ideal relationship.

Exes

The indie kid with braces

Level of ridiculousness: 2

Close to ideal but no car.  Also, braces.